2024's Four Seasons

2024's Four Seasons

2024 was as tough as it gets.

I entered it as one, and exited as another.

May this serve as a permanent reminder of what once was, and all that transpired, and incentivise me to never allow myself to return to such a place.

January - February (Winter)

I carried with me wounds which had already been festering since the second half of the previous year. Well-justified premonitions, and anxieties which had been building up for months, came to fruition in this period. The path I seemed to have been meant to take since the start suddenly became a cul-de-sac. There was no way forward. I found myself in the middle of a finite road, surrounded by established figures who made no effort to point me towards the correct road, but whose silence spoke louder than any of their words could.

The year started with one of the lowest points. A confirmation that the ones meant to guide me and help me the most were actually the same people presenting me with the roadblocks I had stumbled through in the previous months. Shocking? Perhaps not, but disappointing nonetheless. Yet another reminder of the embarrassing lengths that some full-grown adults will go through, just to make sure that the spotlight perpetually shines upon them. Was I a key obstacle, or was I just caught in the crossfire? I don't think I'll ever learn the answer to that question, nor do I really want to. It's more than enough for me to carry with me the wounds inflicted simply by gazing at the stoic figures marking the end of the cul-de-sac.

Still, it's rather humbling to go from believing you're meant to reach a certain destination, only to be unceremoniously dumped off the highway and forced to take a "side street". Acceptance; a key part of this journey. Have I achieved it? Perhaps not yet, but I am learning to embrace what has come my way. This is the year that I started truly learning how to make lemonade out of lemons, even though its sour taste is one that might take me several years to become accustomed to.

I'm not used to not getting my way, and I don't mean that in the sense that I've been spoiled throughout my life. Whenever I set my mind to something, I will not stop until it has been achieved. It is one of the qualities that I take pride in myself the most. In fact, if anyone had to ask me what I value most in myself, my answer would always be "my resilience and determination". So it goes without saying that this experience was quite a new and unwelcome one for me. 

Whilst changing lanes, I encountered others taking the same road, most of which being quite familiar with it already. This was not a glamourous road; definitely not in what I viewed as being the high-end part of town, and one which I was quite ashamed to be taking. The veterans went out of their way to bring me up to speed and familiarise me with all the intricacies of this avenue. 

I must confess that today, I can't remember most of what went on during those few weeks.

I was lost - completely - inside my own head, ruminating on my "failure" to make it through that road, and my inability to overcome these challenges when I had always done so in the past. Was there something wrong with me, I wondered? Was I fundamentally incapable of facing certain things, and others were simply more well-suited to them than I was? Or was it just a case of me not being a "fashionable" choice in someone else's eyes? Was it a personal choice not to nurture me into someone who would be able to face the end of that road? Was the cul-de-sac natural or man-made?

I think I know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, it's not an issue that can be resolved today, tomorrow, or any day in the foreseeable future.

I chose to make lemons out of lemonade.

It was around the time of this realisation that I celebrated my 26th birthday; a rare moment of pure happiness in an otherwise exclusively gloomy period. Not that it lasted very long. 

I was instantly brought back down to reality by the rather overwhelming realisation that I had exacerbated an already existing problem to the point where it required urgent attention. Looking at the mirror has been a lifelong struggle for me, and this problem only made matters worse. A quick fix was required, sooner rather than later. 

On the other hand, my mind was already not in the best state, as one could imagine. The events of the previous few months had taken their toll on my mental health, to the point that had been delaying falling asleep because of the extent of my anxiety over the next day - sometimes for no good reason at all - and subsequently waking up crippled by the weight of the expectation that I would not be able to face the day ahead.

I needed help, and fast, but I didn't know which issue to tackle first. Would I attack my physical imperfections, or tend to my ailing mind?

I chose to do both.

March - April (Spring)

I woke up.

This period started off with me feeling like I had just roused myself from a six-month-long sleep, and not one which left me feeling well-rested. Rather, I emerged from the dullness with a pounding headache, with every noise and voice being amplified. It felt as though I had previously been listening to everything with muffled ears.

I got help. I accepted the fact that I needed to be guided out of the dark period I was facing. It took nothing more than "How are you?" to get all my emotions to pour out of my tired body. It was no longer a secret. I made it all known: the challenges that I had failed to overcome and that had led me to make this decision, both in the short and long term. It was so much easier than I thought it would be. I hadn't realised how badly I needed this outlet.

I am not used to putting myself first. I find fulfilment in evaluating how much use I am to any given person. I hadn't been fully conscious of all that I had been suppressing up until this point. That's why that one hour every few weeks became of vital importance to me. For that very limited, yet pivotal, amount of time, my world consisted of me, and only me. No one depended on me, no one expected anything of me, and the only person who needed anything at all from me was myself. A dedicated morsel of time to myself. Even now, it sounds like a treat, and yet it is still so difficult for me to allow myself more of these blissful little episodes. Still, a start is a start, and it is definitely an improvement upon the position I was previously in.

Physically, it was time for a change, and I finally accepted that. I devoted myself to bettering my predicament, and I was astonished at how quickly I could see the fruit of my labours. It wasn't just me, either: several of my peers told me, time and time again, how evident it was that I was working on myself, and not just from a physical perspective. Several changes in me were obvious.

What kind of a state was I in before, if so many people were noticing the work I was putting into myself? It's not something I'd rather spend a great deal of time thinking about.

This was a start. Rome was not built in a day, and the damage I had inflicted upon myself for so long would not be deconstructed so soon either. Still, it was encouraging to see the results so early on, and to have my efforts acknowledged and recognised by third parties as well.

Does this somewhat highlight my dependency on the opinions of others? Perhaps. Did it help me put my plans for self-improvement into motion? Definitely. I decided this was a problem to be tackled later on.

May - June (Summer)

The journey continued, and fulfilment ensued.

I am not used to thinking positively about myself, so it's a little embarrassing how long it's taking me to get through this section, but I owe it to myself to try my best to describe just how badly I needed a period like this.

As I reached the halfway point of this strange, turbulent year, I continued to work on myself. This was the period in which I prioritised my well-being and happiness the most. My one regret is that it ended before it had truly began. 

I came to realise that I was not half as bad at navigating the side street as I thought it would be, nor was it as unappealing as I had initially believed it to be. On the contrary, I began to view it as more of an adventure; one which I had not foreseen, but one which I had oddly started to accept, and even welcome. The doubts and insecurities never fully disappeared, nor could they ever, in an environment as toxic as the one I found myself in. That being said, I was content with what I was making out of the situation, and found myself curious as to what twists and turns this particular road would provide me with. 

I must admit that it felt good to find myself on a path that I had not planned out for myself. Throughout my entire life, I was never one for spontaneity. If I had not previously planned for something, then it was certainly not something I cared to experience. I always gave ample importance to preparation for every scenario, such was my fear of disappointment. So it's fair to say that the way this situation turned out was quite surprising to me. 

I can't say that I was completely happy during this period, but I knew that I was getting to where I wanted to be. It was a work in progress, but it appeared to be progressing quite steadily. "Promising" would be the best word to describe these two months. 

I just truly wish it lasted longer.

July - December (Autumn)

A six-month transition from warmth and happiness to dullness and awkwardness. This was the period during which all the hard work I had put into bettering myself and improving the situation I found myself in was most at risk of falling apart. 

I had expected to move forward in one particular journey, but found myself faced with yet another roadblock. It was unjustified, and still understandable; a natural consequence of the cul-de-sac I had to wander unsteadily away from months prior. For a few days, I was in a somewhat catatonic state, not unlike the one I had found myself in at the beginning of the year. I'm grateful I had the wherewithal to pull myself together as quick as I did. All I had to do was simply remember that I was not responsible for the situation unfolding in the way it did, and there was nothing I could do to change it. So I made a U-turn, and promised myself that when it was time to go down the same path again, the end result would be different, and that next time, I would be in full control of the outcome, and that it would unfold in my favour.

Sadly, this turned out to be another period where the majority of things I faced were very much out of my hands.

For almost four months, I took on an enhanced role of mediator, playing the most tedious and anxiety-riddling game of telephone I'd ever participated in. There was no game to be played without me, and yet, I was the one party who had no interest in partaking. It was not my responsibility to make sure the game was played, and yet, I was a steadfast referee; a loyal facilitator; and once again, fell victim to the shrapnel.

I was faced with the possibility that something I had wished for since I was a young child would actually come to fruition. Did this fill me with joy? Surprisingly, no. My anxiety only increased when faced with the prospect of the unknown. Something which I should have fully embraced with open arms and a beaming smile suddenly seemed pitch black to me, and not because it would result in a negative outcome.

On the contrary, I always knew it would have brought about the peace I so desperately sought and needed. It was simply an unknown. We've already established my position on the unknown. I was used to being kept on my toes. I was used to going through my days always prepared for something to go wrong. This was my norm: to face the negativity I was always certain would come, and to deal with the aftermath only after it had come and gone. I'm not used to unsolicited goodness. To me, it's nothing but a precursor to yet more negativity, and so I'm constantly prepared for shit to hit the fan, so as to avoid the disappointment I had to face so often in the past. Perhaps I should have been more enthusiastic about this possibility, but I still would have been faced with disappointment, seeing as the situation remained exactly the same after all. Predictable, but avoidable. You could say those three words sum up the entirety of the situation throughout all these years.

I also had to deviate into an alleyway. I hadn't exactly hoped to change course yet again, and so soon after I had already been forced to do so, but unsurprisingly, this was yet another factor that was out of my control. How I despised these occurrences. How I hated the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change what was happening around me. 

This took a toll on me, and my path to self-improvement was met with new - yet familiar - obstacles as a result. They didn't stop me, but they did slow me down. The summer was well and truly over, and the weather turned cold much sooner than I had anticipated.

This time, though, I had braced myself for it. I was well-armed and ready to face it head-on. It might sound corny, but that's exactly how it was. 

This year, I will not allow history to repeat itself. 2024 brought with it a great number of lessons, not a single one of which I have ignored. I cannot afford to, not if I want to move forward with my life. My full potential remains unrealised, but an easier goal to attain than it was last year. It's a long way ahead, but has become more visible. For that much, I am grateful.

Spring. Summer. Autumn. Winter.

All four seasons are necessary. All four seasons bring with them contentment and melancholia. They all needed to be faced, and they were. 

And now, they are to be left in the past, where they belong.

Thank you, 2024, for all the lessons you have taught me. You have been merciless, and for that, I thank you. May you never feel the need to repeat yourself.